"Attempted" Autobiography

I was born in a bottle. I was uncorked and I said, "You have three wishes." The wisher’s first wish was to have infinite wishes.

I was born in a teepee. Then I went to the mall and bought a Darci Barbie doll, next, a Western Barbie. She had blue eye shadow and she winked. My sister wanted to get me a Ken doll, but I had no use for Ken, his hair was plastic and couldn’t be brushed.

When I was born it was in a barn and we had no electricity, so the midwife put a pot of hot water on the stove but before it was boiled, I came out.

One day I fell off a two-story building. I lost consciousness.

One day I was kidnapped by a satanic cult. In retaliation, my mother kidnapped three children from the cult and they became my sisters. From this time on, my family lived on the run, pursued by Satan who wanted to reclaim his children.

When I was a baby, I was like all babies. I was born in a petri dish. At the time, my father, who was a scientist, was in India and is in no way responsible for the event.

One day a cop stopped our caravan. He brought us to the police station where I was ushered alone into a

 

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room and onto a large chair from which my feet dangled. He picked up a pen, opened a black notebook on his desk, and said he was going to ask me a serious question, which I should consider very carefully. "What do lesbians do?" he asked. "Go to meetings," I said.

His face became pink and sweaty and I sensed that was not the answer he wanted. So when he asked, "Do they feed you marijuana?" I said, "Yeah, all the time!" (Although, I did not know what "marijuana" meant.)

The policeman gave me to the janitor who cleaned the jail cells—for the janitor and his wife had recently lost a child. They fed me Ovaltine and dressed me in the dead child’s red clothes.

On my first birthday my mother said, "Take this doohickey to the thingamabob. The forest is full of nutty critters." She told me to wear loose clothes.

I tied a red balloon to my wrist and ventured from one town to another.

Satellites hover above the arena. The rubbernecks ogle at the documentary that is me, your shiny laminate.